I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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