It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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