I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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