I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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