I didn't shave. On purpose
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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