Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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