Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
