On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
