I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
