i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
