I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
