If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
