4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
