On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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