I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
