Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
