I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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