i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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