My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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