The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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