woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
