Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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