haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
