It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
