So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
