yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
