How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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