turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
