Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
