They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
