They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
vagina is talking i cant
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
