I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
