dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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