enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
