I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
