ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
