my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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