the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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