My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
