phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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