We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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