the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
