The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
