Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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