did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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