if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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