I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
