She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
