I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
