In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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