God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
