Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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