So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
