is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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