She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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