I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Are we still banned from the library?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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