I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm bleeding and have questions
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
